Today marks two years and two months without them. I no longer sit around dreading the 26th of each month, but somehow my body instinctively knows that it is a day of reverence. It is a day of remembrance and a day to give myself a little grace. For me, the 26th of each month holds a heaviness where the air is thicker than usual and my nerves are frayed beyond repair. I am tired. My anxiety cannot be ignored. Speaking of anxiety, I only finally admitted to myself that it existed within me after the boys died. My whole life, I knew that I would place walls around myself whenever someone threatened my calm. I would close my eyes and breathe deep until I had control of the inner turmoil rushing through my blood. At that point in time, standing up straight and walking tall was not a problem. Then. Now? Let me tell you, I don't even recognize that girl anymore. I have no idea what it is to "have it all together". My memory sucks. Like, "Total Recall, someone erased my memory" kind of sucks. Apparently, that is a trauma thing. Anxiety, too. I get it. Now. As bad as my memory has become, there are many things that I do remember. I know that Deacon looked like the priceless sculpture of David when he slept. He was such a beautiful child (and an even more beautiful young man). I can hear Garrett singing "Jesus, Take The Wheel" as if he were sitting next to me. He would beg me to sing it with him and, of course, I would. I have no idea why he would pick that particular song to belt out, but he always did. I secretly think it was because he liked to hear me sing it. He would either sing that or Allstar by Smashmouth. Haha. What a combo. I remember little boy giggles and wrestling matches. So many wrestling matches. So many Dares, Fun Facts, and Would You Rathers. A million late night movies with all four of my babies cuddled up in mom's bed. Sometimes we would watch our favorite TV shows like Friends or How I Met Your Mother. Other nights, I would get suckered into watching Sharknado 4. Only moms of boys would get this one, lol. Today marks two years and two months without them. I may not remember to go to the Post Office tomorrow. Hell, it's possible that I might not even remember to eat lunch. But, one thing I know in this world of infinite unknowns is that there are certain things that I will always know; and, every one of those definites has to do with my two blonde haired babies who loved me their entire lives. I guess in the grand scheme of things my memory is pretty f**king fantastic.
Much Love, The Graceseeker
1/26/2020 10:55:36 pm
Beautiful. I remember you showing me photos of your boys in S5 training in 2008 in Indy and me telling you that you didn’t look like a mom of 3. I’ll say a prayer tonight that each day brings more comfort.
1/29/2020 09:05:00 am
Thank you, Ashley. I could say the same for you. Your babies are beautiful and I love watching you with them.
1/27/2020 12:23:52 pm
Hi Crystal, I feel all of this. You are doing the best you can right now. And hopefully the anxiety will get better for you over time. It does indeed wreak havoc with your memory. Be well. JG
1/29/2020 09:01:43 am
Thank you, Jeanne. It is definitely better than it was in the beginning. I can go to the store now... Ha!